Bad to worse--suicide becomes an option

Lexapro made me crazy in an enduring way. I was crazy for months. It's hard to describe crazy. I've never been so frightened in my life. I would have lost my job, were it not for the fact that the people I work with supported me fully. I would have lost my mind and ended my life were it not for the fact that I kept the faith that I was experiencing a temporary drug reaction. I came close to losing my life to impulsive sucidality, before I realized that it was induced by a legally prescribed drug that I took exactly as my physician directed. Even after I realized that, it was hard not to give in to the impulses screaming at me "just do it! Pick up that gun and shoot. SHOOT YOURSELF!"

Lexapro introduced a brand new evil demon into my life; a demon that wanted me dead. I locked up all the guns, It took some of apart and stashed the pieces around the house so they were unuseable; I spent long hours and days thinking of everyone I would hurt if I killed myself, to keep myself alive. I thougth of how the action of killing myself would send ripples of pain and negativity out through the world of the people I care about. How deeply immoral and unethical that act would be. I thought of ways I could kill myself and make it look like an accident. I formed a plan. I sought comfort in the plan. Tomorrow, I would tell myself, tomorrow. And then I wouldn't do it. The pain would lift. I'd become hopeful. I'd be okay for a couple of weeks. And then it would start all over again

Over and over, the effects of Lexapro kept coming back to haunt me. And the crash and burn would start all over. After a year of this, I decided I should see a psychiatrist. I thought this would help me begin to get better. Instead, it sent me on a path that made me much, much worse. Within two years, I'd be sitting at my desk counting pills and calculating my body weight. I was going to shuffle off this mortal coil on that Sunday night. But then my sister called and the ethical objections returned, and I lived another day--another 8 months now, actually. And I've begun my separation from psychiatry and psychiatrists. I think that's the only way I'll ever get my life back to a healthy balance.